Rockabye

Since no one has blogged lately I guess it's my turn. I have been having a pretty good week. It's been jam packed with halloween preparations and a ton of geology studying. I think I went 3 days this week with no nap. Needless to say it is a Christmas miracle.
Everything is going well, or well enough so I can't complain. Life keeps going on and I keep trying to keep up. School is fine, though it is becoming a bit stressful and my family is doing well for the most part. I can't wait to see all of them for Thanksgiving.
The tigers are still undefeated, which you know, unless you've been living under a rock for the past week. We go to face Nebraska this weekend and will do very well. I'm always so proud of my boys.
Speaking of being proud of my boys, I have the best bros in the world. Without a doubt the people that have come into my life lately are fantastic and I think I would be a hobo now if it wasn't for their encouragement and trust.
I've been doing something everyday that scares me. Today it was letting Shawn cook me dinner, which was very good by the way. We also carved pumpkins, something I didn't think I would get to do this year, but he thought ahead and made it an excellent study break from my horrid Geology studying.
That's about all I have for today.
No deep philosophical post about love, longing, or how to tie your shoes. Just me saying life is good and everything is gonna be alright.
Rockabye.

Great Day To Be

Today, I have to opportunity to be a tiger. One of the most important things to be today, and any day for that matter. Columbia is booming with noise and hype for the big game. ESPN has been here for a few days and everyone is getting excited about the big homecoming game. I couldn't be more excited to work 9 hours today and miss the big game...not. You all know my philosophy, do what makes you happy, but unfortunately having a job makes me happy. I'll take one for the team.
Last night I got to go out with my friends, which is an excellent change. I got to celebrate living and do a few new things that we had never done which is always insanely exciting. A few posts ago I mentioned players on my team and tentative members. I've decided lately that i'd very much like for them to stick around. The magnets aren't really an issue anymore and that is pleasant. I feel like i've got a pretty decent head on my shoulders and I'm going to try and keep it that way.
Life has been going excellently, and as I approach this week full of exams I'm going to try and remember that everyday. That life is getting better and that it probably was never bad in the first place. My nanna told me today that I need to remember to be a nice girl and stay classy. This is simply the only reason I am only glaring at this old couple of OU fans across from me in Starbucks. I will stay classy, even though you're probably going to cry all the way home.
I feel like I don't mention enough how happy and lucky I am. My best friend and I can be heard saying at least once a day "what a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck girl" ( one of spongebob's best) and I think it is insanely true. I am lucky, blessed, and above all I am happy. I woke up this morning smiling and haven't really stopped since, well except to throw in a few yawns now and again. I haven't been sleeping so much, but again, I've spent my waking hours doing what makes me happy and I can't be mad at myself for that. I'm going to keep doing what makes me happy because life will work itself out. I am being proactive and above all, today, I am being a tiger.
So turn on ESPN and watch our boys bring it home.
MIZ!!!!!!!

Napping is such a selfish lover. He demands every free second and makes you feel so good while you're with him but when you leave, you feel worse. This is my thought for today or course, right before I'm about to nap. I made it a whole two hours today without climbing back into bed. Climbing back into this safe haven that I love so much. An island where everything is perfect and there is no pain. This is my nook. My stress relief and my love. So I will continue to nap everyday no matter how bad for my health it is because it makes me happy.
Steve has (hopefully) his last round of chemo today. After the next three weeks of getting over this round, hopefully he will start down the path to recovery from this last year of pain he, and my family, have been through. Having someone close to you in so much pain is a hard thing to bare. It's something I think about a lot. What do you do if you're faced with a 35% chance of living to see your next birthday? I think a lot of people would give up, but not me. I say fight as hard as you can and do as much as you can to enjoy your life. You're going to die someday anyway, this is true. But why does it have to be now? My answer to you is that it doesn't. Sure that's a bad statistic, but it's better than no chance at all and I'm proud to say I know someone who is beating it.
I've always known my family is strong. But until Steve got sick, I didn't understand how strong. When my mom called and told me the diagnosis I remember in the same sentence her telling me that it was fine and that we didn't need to worry because he was strong. That is the most understated thing I could have ever heard. Steve is by far one of the strongest people I know, cancer or not. He never does anything "half ass" and does everything right the first time. Though we butt heads a lot, I still learn from him every day.
When I was little he used to do this trick where he could rub a penny under his skin, and bring it out again. He says he doesn't remember doing it, but I sure do. I remember rubbing pennies into my arm until it was red as a tomato trying to be that magical, but it never worked. Some people just have a little bit of magic in them and some people don't.
I know this is a weird post for me, but I felt like he deserved some recognition today. Because today is a celebratory day. Not only is Steve (hopefully) done with chemo, but it's also casual corduroy thursday.
This ended up having nothing to do with napping and I'm sorry for lack of my usual circular posts, but that's all I have for now.
Remember

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

Rule #20

Tonight I write from the most special place in the world, Mt. Vernon, Missouri. I know, you've all heard the stories. The famous celebs and all of their luxurious living habits. I can assure you, it's all true. It feels so great to be home. I got to spend the night at my cousins football game. It wasn't a win, but it was soothing to be in that small town atmosphere I get to missing sometimes. I spent most of the evening with my family and finally got to see all of them, my Akita included. He's getting so big and I absolutely can't wait to have a pet at school with me next year.
This trip home is really just the icing on my happy cake as of late. Things seem to be going fantastic and I wouldn't change it for the world. So many new things are happening, I'm almost finding it hard to keep up. I feel like along with the new school year came a new version of Koleen, like 2.0 or something.
I hope that you all have felt the same way, and if not, I hope you do in the future. As I said the other day, I couldn't have done it without my new friends. I have so many people in my life that I feel like I'm closer with than those I've known the longest and it is fantastic. I miss people when I'm away, not that I didn't before, but I kind of feel like I'm growing up.
I made myself a bedtime, that sadly is hardly kept, but I'm okay with this. I am out spending my life being happy and that is all that matters. So I maybe a little cranky (i know i wouldn't believe me either) but I don't regret it because all of those late nights, I am up doing whatever makes me happy at the time and I don't think anyone could judge me wrong for that. I think this lack of sleep will surely catch up to me, and you'll find me complaining about it a few blog post later, but as of now, I'm just happy.
In Pride and Prejudice Elizibeth says to Mr. Darcy that he should only refer to her as Mrs. Darcy when he is completely, utterly, and insanely happy. That is what I feel overall with my life.
So I'm proposing a new rule.
Rule #20 - Always be happy.

Goodnight readers, sleep sweet.

Justin Close Your Mouth

So as you've noticed I haven't blogged in a few days. I noticed you all were going through withdrawals about it and i've decided to cure you of your "absence of Koleen" discomfort. 

Do something everyday that scares you. That's what i've repetitively been aiming for, and I think I've been doing alright. I've decided to laugh at myself and do everything that makes me insanely happy every second of every day. Life is too short for me to sit here in Brady and type on my computer ALL day. I mean some of the day is fine, but let's face it, I'm gonna need to nap. The whole three of you that subscribe to my blog all know what's going on in my life so I'm not going to go into detail.

Everyone seems pretty happy and that makes me very excited. Life seems to be going in a good direction for most of the people stuck in the tangled web that is my life, or maybe I just think it is, either way. I've made a new great friend and is slowly wiggling his way into my top five by just being so dang encouraging. (You know who you are). Sometimes I just need someone to look at me and say Koleen stop being stupid and do what you want. And this tall smart friend of mine has been doing this lately and I don't think I could have made some of these decisions in my life without him.

The reason for my title is this: I sit here almost everyday in Brady and watch Justin Stafford chew with his mouth open and laugh really loudly. Now the laughing doesn't bother me. I've been told by some people I have a loud laugh, I know, hard to believe right? But Justin, if life comes around to it and you somehow end up reading this blog, please close your mouth. I know that wrap is good, but I don't need to see it. You're mizzou famous. People know who you are. Learn some manners.

Obnoxious basketball players aside, I guess this post is to my friends. The ones that make fun of me, encourage me, and make me laugh. I couldn't do it without you guys. You help me every day to be scared, smile, and enjoy the little things. 

Upsetting Pop Culture References

This is the third time I've attempted to write this blog today, thus furthering my frustration with technology. That isn't' the point. Today i've been thinking a lot about decisions. The decisions i've had to make lately aren't big, but i've been having a lot of anxiety about them anyway.  I found this on stumble today,
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2FwbJl/lift-me-today.com/assets/images/death_valley_dunes-500.jpg
and it really has stuck with me. I think that there are these two routes in life. You can sit and watch your life go by and accept the conditions of that, but being a bystander never was my style. I believe that you have to be proactive in your own life. You have to go out and make things happen or you'll never do anything fun. Along with this fun you will probably get hurt a lot, but that's part of being in the game.
My Nanna said to me the other day "Koleen, this is your life, this is it right now. The stuff you are doing doesn't lead up to your life, this is it. Deal with it." Now this may seem kind of blunt, but she never was a hinting woman.
Every decision you make will effect you, there is no arguing that. I feel like knowing this, you can say that when making decisions, most people want it to effect( i don't know when to choose effect or affect) them in a positive way. I'm going to go ahead and say most of the time this doesn't happen. This is a giant mess of me explaining things that you already knew, but the point is this: your decisions don't just effect you.
I make decisions everyday that effect people I love and people I don't even know, but they are still a part of my decision. To me, this isn't fair.  The decisions I make about my life, that is happening here and now, may hurt people I love and I dislike this very much.
This kind of ties back to my "if you love someone don't let them go" idea. If someone loves you, you shouldn't let them go either.  Even though it kills them, you should keep them as close as possible and never let them leave, because they are important.
The relationships in my life are anything but perfect, but I love them. There are a certain configuration of people in my life that work together as a team that I couldn't live without. Granted, I've added a few new members to this team lately, but it takes a while to earn a permanent spot. I absolutely love the new people that have come into my life. They are fun, exciting, and bring a whole new side to my personality. That isn't the issue. The issue is their interaction with my old group. How do you go about mixing them without causing an explosion? These two different elements could mix in two ways, one deadly, and the other fantastic.
In my second cheesy reference I choose to talk bout Bella Swan. Gag me now, I know, but the girl (for once) has a good point. It's hard to put two magnets together when they refuse to go by themselves. I hate myself for thinking that this horrible piece of pop literature is anything but wrong on any subject but it is true. Sometimes you just have to make the two elements, or magnets, suck it up and get along for your sake. Because everyone knows the world revolves around me, right? HA! So if they don't get along, and they resort to explosion, which pieces do you pick up? I'm tired of speaking in code, so I'm gong to get this over with.
So that is my decision, in a painfully drawn out conclusion to todays blog. I will continue to push both of my magnets together and hope that they will work it out. I will not be a bystander in my life. I will be a willful participant. I'm going to try my best to make one giant magnet out of my life and if that doesn't work, I'm willing to risk the explosion.

Falling for Max

So today's blog is basically going to be me fawning over my one and only true love, Max Bemis, so prepare yourself. When I got home tonight (this morning) I began looking up some suggested songs on youtube and I ended up, like I usually do, just looking up videos of Max Bemis singing his songs. Not only do I love his music, but I love to watch him love his music. When he preforms, there is nothing else in the world. There is only Max, his music, and the unknown love he is singing about.
The video that always gets me is him singing I Want To Know Your Plans. You can find this by youtubing Say Anything-I Want To Know Your Plans. I strongly suggest doing this.
One of my favorite songs has a lyric that goes "can I lie with you in your grave? there's a crack at the edge of the end of the world where I will sit with my love in this fluorescent swirl eat us up break it down to the tiniest cell in a room with a view and a window to hell." Graphic I know, but it's one of those things that when you hear it, it's beautiful. The fact that one human being can love someone enough to want to lie with them even after they are gone is a fundamental thought in my life. Anytime I find myself listening to Say Anything I can't help but be pulled into the optimistic mindset that I love so much. There are so many things in this world that pull me away from what I know so well, All you need is love.

I guess the moral of the story today is take a look at Say Anything. It may take you while to warm up to them, but they are fantastic and no matter what mood I am in they can bring me out of it and remind me that I am not alone. They have a song for every situation, and plus, Max isn't too hard on the eyes either. Don't forget that life isn't all great and dandy. Sometimes you can give someone your whole heart and all they'll have in return is a pen. That is what you have to believe isn't going to happen. Just breathe and hope for the best. Take a deep breath and stop worrying about things. Let them work themselves out, and just let it be. Life will happen weather you like it or not, so you might as well just hold on and enjoy the ride. Have a happy weekend readers and please don't forget, you can say anything to me.

Fish

Before I start with my "life is grand" mumbo jumbo, I must admit to you that today, I almost admitted that my life was hard, but be assured, I did not give in. I had a very long day and started stressing about things I have no control over and getting upset at people who also had no control. I decided to sit down and do what I knew needed to be done. Unfortunately today, like almost every day, that task was geology. Now, five hours later, I am finally done and relaxed. I'm sitting in a study with my feet propped up on a table just typing. Typing about nothing, and I'm one of the happiest girls in the world. 

Today I felt so bad for myself and then I realized that everything in life happens for a reason and if what I want to happen doesn't work out, then maybe there are other plans for me. I have strong faith that God will get me to where I need to go to do what I need to do and be happy. This may not be your view, and I'm completely okay with that, but it certainly is mine.

I believe that there are few things in this life that are worth getting that worked up about. I let myself get ahead of...well, myself and I made it a goal today to stop letting myself do that. I just have to sit down and life today for today, and I suggest you do the same. 

I've mentioned several times that I try to do something every day that scares me. I also think I'm going to add do something I insanely enjoy every day. It doesn't have to be huge, maybe just jumping up and down when I'm in the elevator by myself. Just something.

I feel like I'm repetitive, and I apologize if you are stuck reading my same sappy thoughts everyday but I think it really is the little things in life. Love the little things, and the little things will soon become so important that you can't part from them. You'll search for them in everything you do and when you find them, you will be the happiest person in the world. 

As I sat in my study tonight doing my God forsaken geology notes there were screams being screamed and high heels clopping on the sidewalk down below. I heard all of these sounds and realized that sometimes you have to make unfun choices on Thursday nights so that you can hang out with your friends for a few hours on Saturday. I mean really, how fun can DejaVu be? So don't get me wrong, I do believe that there is sacrifice for being happy, I just choose to sacrifice less-fun things. The unimportant fun things.

Maybe those posters with all of the swimming fish in one direction and a different color fish swimming against them alone wasn't so wrong. 

On any given day when you find yourself feeling like a different color fish, just remember the fish that gave away one scale to each of his friends until he wasn't so different. He single handedly changed the norm. I apologize again for all of the elementary references but that's how I'm thinking today. Maybe in order to be a different colored fish, you just have to share you difference with your friends. The poster company just had it a little wrong, the different color fish wasn't alone. 

So my challenge to you is not only to be a different color fish, but to share your difference with someone, and try to make all of the difference. As I've told you before, my mom always used to tell me that I could do anything I wanted, that I could change the world. I think you can too. So go out and do it, and don't forget, enjoy the little things.

I'm to old for this shit

After watching How I Met Your Mother today, I've decided that I am in fact, not too old for this shit. The episode I watched was about Ted having a list of things he was too old to do and Barney attempting to accomplish all of these things in one day to prove Ted wrong. The moral of the story is, if you think you are too old to do something, go out and do it. Prove to yourself you've still got it, or at least that you are willing to try.
A great friend told me today that he tries his best to not let a week of his life go by that he hasn't filled with happiness and I think this is fantastic advice. A few posts ago I decided I was going to do something every day that scared me and so far that is going well. I've decided to also add that I will do everything in my power to be insanely, uncontrollably, incredibly happy. Life is entirely too short for me, or anyone, to spend any given moment unhappy.
So again I say to you, go out and enjoy life. Grab that bull by the horns and jump out and catch that beautiful butterfly. All of those cheesy metaphors you can think of. Go for it. You are strong weither you think you are or not. You are beautiful, don't let anyone tell you differently, and for God sakes I hope that you are you because most of the time that's all you can count on. You shouldn't take it for granted.
This morning I'd like to leave with one of my favorite quotes,

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever." -Remember Me (Gahandi)